Finding strength within and from above

Motherhood. Such a profound word with a whole mix of meanings and definitions. It has been on my mind a lot lately, which I could probably blame on the fact that I have recently jumped into the pool of it all, and will be (sort of already) jumping in again for a round two dunking. Amongst all my contemplating of it all with my own child and soon to be two wee ones, I can't help but think a lot about my own mother.

I had the best mommy this world, that God, could have granted me. But amongst all her amazingness and blessing on my life I can't help feel like on a constant basis that I got ripped off, that I was cut short of a wonderful, much needed blessing in my life. As my toddler gets older, and as I try to prepare myself for the realities of another one on the way within a month and half or so, I just wish I could reach up and grab my mommy out of her little heaven, and gosh darn it, "I am not done with her yet! Is it too much to ask to have her a little longer!?"

I can't help but feel like I got the short end of the stick, loosing her so young in my life, in the fragile years of my chaotic teenage life. There has been and still is so much more in my life that I really want her there for, not just in a spiritual, close by sense, but in a right by me, physical presence sense, there to answer my questions, or give me one of her amazing hugs when I feel like falling apart.

This just seems to be a struggle I will most likely run into the rest of my life, and no matter what I do, the pain of it all still lingers around.

But with each daily struggle, maybe there is still hope.

 When I think about my mommy, and how much "woe is me" for not having her, and I just want her back, I also am blessed with little reminders of the gems I have with me. I don't know what God has in store for me as a mother, but if I can be half the mother that she was to me, my little kiddos are in good hands.

I need to re-channel my emotions, my thoughts, from anger and sadness to gratitude and love for my own children. I might not get my mom, but maybe I can still try to be a good mom for my own kids, like she was for me the short time I had her.

Maybe I can't have my mom right by me, or near, helping me, telling me how to handle the chaos of each day. Maybe I can't have one of her amazing problem melting hugs, or one of her yummy comfort food meals, but I can still try to be the part of her that is embedded in me. I can give a hug to my little girl, melt into her and feel the love only a mother can feel for her child. I can play with her, be there for her in every way possible that I wish my mom could still be here for me. Maybe amongst all the pain inside of not having my mom, I can slightly compensate by trying to be like her. Maybe in my quest to be like her to be a good mother, I can also push through some of these pains of just missing her so much.

Maybe I can't have my mom with me in all the ways I want and long for, but I can strive to be the mother my little girl wants and longs for each day. Because that is what motherhood is all about, being there for our children, in whatever way our life, our circumstances will permit. This is certainly one of my top quests, my top life long journeys, to be the mother they need, the mother God intends me to be for them. There is hope amongst the pain.